Q: Hello, I have this addiction, i prefer sex with strangers more so than with my partner(husband) I am careful in preventing STD’s but the anxiety associated with looking and getting is driving me crazy!!! I get obsessed and look online in instant message systems, at adult sites and sometimes find it and sometimes not. If my husband knew i’d be gone. The thrill of the find and sexual tension release is what excites me the most………how does one STOP???? I never feel fullfilled sexually with my husband; I used to but this craving for stranger sex is overwhelming and can get dangerous I know. I have met at least 50 men in the last few years with never a problem, just hot great stress release, not too many men turn down a sexual encounter believe me! So.where does on start to stop the insanity??? I am educated, only work part time so as to have time………help!! before i get myself caught in a situation I can’t get out of! thanks J

A: Everybody runs the Sexual Addiction flag up the pole when they hear a story like yours. It should be stated for the record that despite all the hysteria about so-called sexual addiction all over the internet by “Sexperts” trying to flog books, behavioural scientists are still arguing over whether or not there even is such a thing. 

Another root cause for your wanting sex with strangers could simply be that for a variety of reasons, you may be the type of person who is easily bored sexually. Despite your saying that finding these guys is stressing you out, there is a certain thrill in the chase. You get massive amounts of personal and sexual feedback through flirting and this can be a powerful boost to both libido and self esteem. 

Some people can only get fully excited sexually by being with someone new. It is the NEWNESS itself that is the turn on. Needless to say people whose primary arousal mechanism is only cranked up by this newness should never marry. The trouble is most don’t really understand that it is this newness that they need to become fully aroused. They can get fooled by meeting someone they are really crazy about which prolongs that “new” sexual appeal. They don’t realize they have made a mistake until it’s too late. 

No matter how crazy a couple is for each other, that original heat always cools after marriage. Many can adjust to this same old – same old but for those who need the intense sexual fire that newness brings, marriage can end up being a sexual trap. 

I wouldn’t beat yourself up over this. This is who you are. You could try therapy to try and understand why you are like this but that is probably as far as you will get. Trying to stop would be like trying to stop having sex. As a matter of fact a good number of sexless marriages are due to one partner who needs sexual newness to become aroused, but would rather be celibate than walk out of what they percieve as a good thing, especially if children are part of the equation.



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