When did you first realize that you enjoyed pain?

A: Awesome question. And thank you for asking. I get asked this question alot actually. I can’t start by answering, without having thanked the person who helped me uncover my shadow. I stand in gratitude for the gifts my old high school friend/crush has helped me discover. Who’s name however, I will not mention, for the sack of his own privacy. The one who helped me better understand the misunderstood and taboo. Who showed me that I am no better than any other deviant or pervert who walks the Earth, after helping me bring to the surface my repressions and capabilities. Some things of which, I will never profess. So again…thank you beloved. You are the inspiration for me writting again.

Now…let’s get to the meat and potatoes. Him and I had a very unhealthy relationship. Filled with lies, deception, fear, jealousy and disdain. That pain brought out the scared little girl in me. And I found myself experiencing a wave of different emotions. I developed a case of severe anxiety, that later started triggering sexual responses. And I found myself subconsciously seeking out sexual partners to recreate my previous experiences. I don’t know. Perhaps I was looking to get a different response the 2nd, 3rd, 4th…or 10th time around. Exposure therapy. To neutralize my feelings around the situation. For a moment, I felt empowered. At least the abuse was happening on my own terms.

Even the thought of physical pain became arousing. I would masturbate to the fantasy of being choked, slapped, whipped, spit on, urinated on, dragged, tackled, pinned to the floor, emotionally degraded…so I could scream, bite, kick, yell, cry. I needed it like I need air. That’s when I realized I enjoyed pain. Pandora’s box has opened. I chose that graveyard cover photo because the old me has died, and that little girl has resurrected… 



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